Having spent a dark night of the soul dwelling on my unworthiness as a blogger to review books, I’ve decided I should raise the tone of this blog, in the hopes of someday being deemed worthy to feast at the table designated for Serious Reviewers of Literary Fiction. Hence, I’ve laid down some rules I will follow in the future:
1. Only literary historical novels (1) written in the present tense; (2) concerning the oppression of some indigenous people; or (3) featuring the empowerment of a female character will be reviewed.
2. The word “trope” will be used at some point in every review.
3. All works, except for those mentioned in #4, will be compared unfavorably to those of Virginia Woolf or Alain Robbe-Grillet.
4. Novels written by M.F.A.’s, or their friends and lovers, will be reviewed glowingly. The reviews will contain language such as “breathtakingly original” and “hauntingly luminous.”
5. Sex scenes in novels written by M.F.A.’s will be described as “startlingly erotic” and “arrestingly vivid.” Novels written by anyone else that feature sex scenes will be denounced as “bodice rippers.”
6. Comments will be disabled on the blog so as not to result in an unseemly dialogue between Reviewer and Audience. The Audience will be expected to receive my pronouncements on Literature with respectful and obedient silence.
7. This blog will be devoid of humor. Humor has no place in High Art.
8. Novels that end happily, or at least satisfactorily, or even conclusively, will be greeted with the utmost scorn.
9. Each review will contain a quotation from Jacques Derrida, such as, “The epoch of logocentrism is the moment of the global effacement of the signifier.” (No, I can’t wait either.)
10. No more cute pictures of Bozzer. Ever. But hey, at least you’re going to get Derrida.