I Become a Full-Time Historical Fiction Writer

I’m still reeling from the news that I hit it big in the North Carolina State Lottery. Now, of course, I will be able to achieve my longtime goal of writing full-time, not to mention having an office with real walls to do so in. While I’m waiting for the contractors to show up to take some measurements, here’s a list of just some of the upcoming historical novels I’m planning. Agents: contact me by e-mail only, please.

Braveheart: The Sequel

Humiliated by her and her lover Roger Mortimer’s fall from power, Queen Isabella is stunned to receive a disguised visitor at Castle Rising—her first and only real love, William Wallace, who explains that another man offered to be hung, drawn, and quartered in his place so that Wallace could be reunited with Isabella. Isabella snaps, “Took you long enough, Kilt Boy,” but forgives him for his delay after a session of passionate lovemaking. They live happily for the rest of their lives, passing the days by making fun of Edward II’s loss at Bannockburn and marveling at how well their son Edward III turned out.

Where the Sun in Splendour Doesn’t Shine

Recognizing his suppressed homoerotic feelings for Edward IV only after his friend’s untimely death, William Hastings summons the Duke of Buckingham to London and begins a torrid love affair with him. When Hastings abruptly decides he likes Jane Shore better after all, Buckingham persuades Richard III to have Hastings executed. Later, when Richard III refuses Buckingham’s own advances, Buckingham rebels. The Princes in the Tower, meanwhile, escape and begin new lives as traveling players. They begin to write their own plays, which years later find their way into the hands of a rustic from Stratford-upon-Avon.

The Secret Dairy of Anne Boleyn

Fed up with the artificiality of court life, Anne establishes a little farm where she can retreat in times of stress and milk her cows. When she invites a group of muscular male courtiers to join her, Henry VIII mishears the phrase “bring in the hay” as “roll in the hay.” Disaster ensues.

I do believe I hear the contractors at the door now.

5 thoughts on “I Become a Full-Time Historical Fiction Writer”

  1. These’ll be bigger than The Da Vinci Code (and quite possibly more accurate). Just wondering if Buckingham couldn’t have kidnapped the Princes as rent-boys, who were then left homeless after his failed revolt and were picked up by some travelling players in need of somebody to play all the female roles.

  2. I hope you’ll add lots of hot and kinky sex scenes. Most novels are sadly lacking in that department.

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