Historical Spam

I have a mailbox on my website, which collects its fair share of spam. Most of the spammers seem to be under the impression that I require a great deal of medication to keep me going from day to day, though in fact the only being in our household who has a prescription is Ginny the cat, who takes Prozac. And she gets hers from the vet.

So this morning as I was deleting my spam, I thought to myself, What if historical figures got spam? And so–yes–another blog post was born.

Anne Boleyn

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Queen Isabella

Lonely? Neglected by your husband? Don’t sit at home and pity yourself. Try our dating service, Lusty Lords. You’ll find plenty of REAL MEN to choose from. Just put a hood over that pretty head of yours and come on by to our headquarters in the Tower.

Richard III

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Margaret Beaufort

Are you a mother who wants the very best for your son? Then you’ll want to get this fine educational toy, I Can Be King, to stimulate your son’s imagination and ambition. Comes with miniature soldiers, horses, vessels, subjects, a well-connected bride, papal dispensations, and everything else your son needs to start his very own kingdom.

Edward IV

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8 thoughts on “Historical Spam”

  1. Richard the Lionhearted

    Your Kind Assitance Is Sought

    I am Mr. Sal A. Din. My emirs have collected an unprecedented amount of dinars for a good cause and I need someone to come and get it and take it back to a good, secure exchequer.

    I will send you enough marks to cover your expenses if you can pick up the gold at Acre by summer of 1191.

    Edward I

    YOU ARE ALREADY APPROVED!!!!!! Need money for a war with, say, Scotland? London Jewry Lenders Association has the loan you need, any amount, guaranteed! Evcen if you have thrown us out of your country, just bring us back and we’ll write that check today!

    Nan Hawthorne
    Blue Lady Tavern

  2. Susan Higginbotham

    Nan, loved yours! With your permission I’ll elevate them to a main post so they won’t get buried amid the comments.

    Thanks, Carla and Elena. Carla, I think the marketing abilities of medieval and Tudor spammers have been sadly underestimated.

  3. Germanicus must have missed an email.

    Want to become Emperor? We have the Mutineering Legions TM Package: three on the Rhine and three on the Danube for you to take and kick uncle Tiberius off his ivory chair in the Palatine.

    And the special offer only valid until June 14 AD: The German rebels are willing to make a treaty with you, becuase Arminius doesn’t like Tiberius, either. You can even get some Cheruscian cavalry.

  4. Except the spammers can’t spell anything right, so it would probably be something like Air-Be-Hear!

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