Fifteen Aids to Grey

53 Comments / Grey Family, Humor / By

A couple of months ago, I did the following guest post on the lovely Sharon Kay Penman’s blog as part of my blog tour for Her Highness, the Traitor. Although I’ve come across a couple of blog posts and books that have reassured me that the following rules are being followed faithfully, it’s still important to be vigilant. So here is a reprise of my Rules for Writing About Lady Jane Grey. As you can never have too many rules in writing historical fiction, I’ve added several. They work perfectly fine for writing nonfiction too, incidentally, especially if you leave out those distractions known as citations.

A portrait of two people who aren’t Frances Grey and Adrian Stokes. This, of course, means that you should model Frances and Adrian on this portrait. Got it?

1. Frances Grey, Jane’s mother, must always be portrayed as grossly obese. The fact that the portrait that this depiction is based upon is not actually of Frances is entirely immaterial. Helpful Hint: Have Frances gnaw on a big turkey leg to underscore your point.

2. Jane Grey must be whipped by her parents at least twice in your novel: once before her wedding day and once before that as a warm-up whipping. The truly dedicated novelist will even allow the Greys to whip their daughter after she becomes queen, just to remind the reader who’s boss. (Be sure to dwell in loving detail on the welts caused by the lashing.)

3. Guildford Dudley can be either effeminate or brutish, depending on your preference. (The experienced novelist can make him both effeminate and brutish, but this isn’t recommended for beginners.) Whether you’ve made him effeminate or brutish, however, Guildford must behave like a sniveling weakling on his way to the scaffold. Bonus: If you ever write about the Wars of the Roses, Guildford’s character can be recycled for use as Edward of Lancaster’s. All you need to do is change the names and costumes.

4. Mary, Jane’s supposedly dwarfish sister, must be hidden away by her parents, who will refer to her at every convenient occasion in the novel as a freak or a monster, preferably to Mary’s face. Ignore the temptation to Google, which will bring you to records showing that Mary Grey accompanied her family on social visits, including one to Princess Mary. Google is your enemy here.

5. Adrian Stokes, Frances Grey’s second husband, must be half Frances’s age. The fact that there is a source showing his precise date of birth, making him only two years younger than Frances, must be studiously ignored. Don’t worry: ignoring the records about Mary Grey will have given you ample practice in doing this. Susan’s Special Tip: Have Frances sleep with Adrian during her marriage to Henry Grey, as well as with the odd stable boy or two. Susan’s Even More Special Tip: Have Henry Grey sleep with Adrian as well, as well as with the odd stable boy or two.

6. Speaking of Frances Grey, it is well known that Frances was the only person in Tudor England, or indeed in England before the twentieth century, to hunt for sport. If Frances isn’t committing Bambi-cide within ten pages of the opening of your novel, while Jane and the local chapter of PETA look on in horror, you need to do a rewrite.

7. While it is important to make Jane’s parents uncaring, brutal, and stupid, the novelist should not go overboard and make them downright evil, because true evilness must be held in reserve for the Duke of Northumberland. If the reader doesn’t come away thinking that “evil Northumberland” is a tautology, you have failed utterly as a writer and need to beg to have your day job back.

8. Edward VI must be sickly from birth; however, he must not die a natural death, but must be poisoned at the hands of Northumberland (who must be, remember, evil). Don’t forget to have Northumberland switch the king’s body with that of a murdered nobody; omitting this detail is the sort of carelessness that can trip up an unwary novelist.

9. Jane must be meek, mild, and terrified of her elders. Ignore the letter written by Jane to Thomas Harding in which she denounces the poor man as the “deformed imp of the devil” and the “stinking and filthy kennel of Satan.” Jane was probably just having a bad day.

10. Jane’s dreadful parents must be bitterly resentful of her scholarship and must attempt to drag her away from her books at every possible juncture. Disregard the fact that Jane’s father was a patron of scholars, and by all means don’t complicate things by making the reader wonder why, if Jane’s parents hated their daughter’s learning so much, they simply didn’t dismiss her tutors and confiscate her books and prevent her from corresponding with and receiving visits from scholars. Historical fiction should not be complicated.

11. The only happy period in Jane Grey’s life must be when she is living with Katherine Parr, who must also be made to single-handedly imbue Jane with a love for learning.  (If you can make Thomas Seymour take a break from molesting the Lady Elizabeth long enough to have him menace Jane, the more the merrier–but don’t overdo it. Even Jane gets one happy period in her life, remember.)

12. Mary I can be allowed some strength of character just long enough to fight the (evil, don’t forget) Northumberland for her throne. Immediately afterward, however, she must turn into a pathetic, lovesick drip, who sends Jane to her death solely to guarantee her marriage to Philip of Spain. (Who can be evil too. But not as evil as Northumberland.)

13. Mrs. Ellen must be Jane’s childhood nurse, devoted to her charge through thick and thin. You say that no contemporary source actually describes Mrs. Ellen as Jane’s childhood nurse? Shut your mouth or Frances will come from her grave to give you some nips and bobs.

14. Jane must be portrayed as frail and delicate, not only because nice girls are frail and delicate, but because it gives Mrs. Ellen the opportunity to nurse her. See? I told you she was Jane’s old nurse.

15. Finally, the “P” words—“puppet” and “pawn”—are vital when writing about Jane Grey. Using just one is the mark of the amateur; the astute novelist will use them both. If you can use them both in the same sentence, why are you reading this list?

53 thoughts on “Fifteen Aids to Grey”

  4. Kathleen Hestand

    Very funny! I have purchased HER HIGHNESS THE TRAITOR and I am looking forward to reading it. I look forward to a well balanced picture of Frances and Jane. I feel too much polemic left over from the Reformation times has invaded historical fiction about these two. For that matter this is also true about Mary I. All had good and bad points, and all were human beings who were people of their times. We can’t always judge them by the standards we hold now. I think you have done an admirable job with this balance in your novels THE STOLEN CROWN and THE QUEEN OF LAST HOPES (I haven’t read the Despenser ones yet!), and I hope you keep writing!

  5. Esther

    Thanks for the re-post … this is one of your funnier blogs. I am curious about the portrait, though. Has it been determined who the two people are, or only that they are not Frances Grey and Adrian Stokes? And, are there any portraits that accurately depict Frances Grey? Adrian Stokes?

    1. boswellbaxter

      Esther, the portrait was identified a few years back as being one of Mary Neville, Lady Dacre, and her son, Gregory Fiennes. It was probably painted to commemorate Gregory, whose father had been hanged for murder, being restored to his inheritance. There’s no undisputed portrait of Frances (the only certain image of her is on her tomb), and no portrait of Adrian at all as far as I know.

  8. Melanie Pancho

    This is so spot on that it’s almost NOT funny–but I’m laughing my head off! Can’t wait to read Her Highness The Traitor!

  9. Mary Tod

    Susan … your post had me chuckling and also admiring the fact that you clearly took the time to delve deeply and find the real people behind these caricatures/characters. Funnily enough, I did a post this morning on the reasons why readers can’t find enough historical fiction. Topics like historical inaccuracies, poorly developed characters, poor quality writing, thinly disguised romance emerged.

    1. boswellbaxter

      Thanks, Mary! I do think writers get lazy–or perhaps are frightened to depart from the conventional way in which certain characters have been depicted in historical fiction.

  11. Christine Hartweg

    I’ve always loved this portrait! Whoever it is or used to be, it wouldn’t have occurred to me to think the sitters had character defects. Love the evil Philip and Northumberland 😀

  13. Nancy Tyrrel Theodore

    Love those rules….. very funny! Just finished Her Highness the Traitor and it was such an enjoyable read. Brilliant! Thanks.

  14. Anne Barnhill

    Love this! So funny,yet so true. I hope I can avoid these pitfalls, regarding other characters who have a definite stereotype. Thanks!

    1. boswellbaxter

      Thanks, Anne! They’re so easy to fall into, but I’m sure you’ll manage to avoid them!

  16. DeniseF

    I read this when you it was first posted but it still makes me giggle! Not long after seeing it the first time, I read a book that included many of these ‘rules’ and I couldn’t help remembering your pst.

    I must say that I really enjoyed your portrayal of the Grey’s in ‘Her Highness, The Traitor’.

  17. Katheryn Swynford

    Brilliant post! I just had to look up the turkey leg-gnawing part, though, as I was fairly certain that the bird was native to the Americas. Apparently, however, they were possibly introduced into England as early as the 1550s. 😀

    1. boswellbaxter

      Thanks! I bet if anyone could have found a turkey leg, it would have been the intrepid Frances!

  18. Anerje

    Enjpyed this post – very funny! Although I think you can add that as well as being obese, Frances’ buxom figure is always spilling out of her dress, in which of course she always looks ridiculous:> Did someone really write Adrian Stokes had both of Jane’s parents???????

    btw, yes, I took lots of pix at Sudeley, which I will be posting on my blog very soon – you’ll be thrilled to know there were some covert ones . I was almost caught!

    1. boswellbaxter

      I don’t recall a novel with Adrian Stokes having an affair with Henry Grey, but there are a couple where Henry is a repressed homosexual, so there’s hope! After downloading a novel the other day where Henry VI is portrayed as being gay, there’s really nothing that can surprise me.

  22. Mary R

    I laughed so hard reading this that I woke up my boyfriend and my dog! I especially loved the part about hunting!

  23. Mary R

    Speaking of caricatures/characters, are you still thinking of writing a novel based on the life of Anne Stanhope? I don’t think it’s been done before; and I think you would do a very good job of it!

    1. boswellbaxter

      I’m thinking of it! Even after the death of her husband, her life took a lot of twists and turns, so I think she’d make a good subject.

      1. Mary R

        I do, too! I think for centuries, she’s been villified simply because she didn’t get on well with Katherine Parr (everyone’s sixteenth-century mother figure).

  24. Kathleen Hestand

    Oh I would love for you to do Anne Stanhope! What an interesting woman. She pretty much spanned the Tudor period with her life. She does need fair treatment, since most of the history was slanted toward Katherine Parr. Katherine may have had lots of good qualities, but so did Anne. Neither was perfect. You are particularly adept at drawing a full portrait of a person, one that’s not judgmental, but written with accuracy, perspective and understanding. Thanks so much. It’s been a long time since I have read historical novels I could respect!

    1. boswellbaxter

      Thanks so much, Kathleen! Her story is nagging at me, so I think I will probably take a shot at it.

  25. Julia Löwe

    This is outright brilliant! I have a feeling a certain lady whose last name starts with a W and ends with -eir has learned your rules by heart. 😀

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